Corbyn’s Free Beer Plan Goes Flat
2016-10-26
A promise by beleaguered Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn to provide free beer for all, came under fire last night after it emerged that Rotherham residents were unlikely to benefit.
In an attempt to curry favour with the local electorate, and pull the warring factions of his own party together, Corbyn announced that, when elected, the next Labour government would issue every UK Citizen over 18 with a voucher entitling them to five pints of beer a week at their local pub. But an investigation by the Bugle has revealed some worrying detail in the small print.
Any free beer served, will have to be brewed using organically grown ingredients in craft breweries employing an ethnically diverse workforce with a minimum quota of disabled workers – each being paid at least 150% of the minimum wage. At the time of publication, we are still trying to find a pub in the town which fulfils this criteria.
Tony Tuggs a regular at the New County summed up the views of many drinkers we spoke to when we told him about the small print. “That’s typical of that southern bearded t**t,” he told us “Who the **** wants to drink cloudy p**s with bits in it.? I drink Tennats Extra. What’s he doing for me?”
The plans also stipulate that the free beer offer will not apply to pubs with royal or aristocratic connections, so regulars at the Earl of Strafford in Hooton Roberts and the Kings Head at Bramley will be left buying their own ale. Any connection to blood sports is also ruled out which will see drinkers at the Fighting Cocks in Rawmarsh also missing out. Special mention is made of the ‘outdated honours system’ as well, so Bramley residents will miss out again at Sir Jacks. And there’s no point in them walking up to Wickersley either, because anything alluding to privilege is banned, meaning no free beer at The Masons. Other pubs where drinkers look set to remain thirsty include The Prince Of Wales, The Hare and Hounds and The Marquis.
Beer drinkers weren’t the only ones upset by Corbyn’s plans. “What’s the shabby old gnome giving us” said Linda Vincent of the local wine drinkers alliance “Why should beer drinkers get all the free stuff. It’s not fair.” And local Muslim shopkeeper Mahmood Rashid was equally scathing. “This is just racist” he said “but I suppose when you’ve had a go at that Diane Abbott, it’s bound to leave you scarred.”
The only people celebrating last night were residents of posh village Wentworth, where craft beers are in ample supply. That was until our reporter pointed out that The Rockingham was named after the Earl of Rockingham and the George in George and Dragon was a Christian saint – something else on the banned list.
Local Labour councillor Geoff Davies was philosophical when we caught up with him having a pint in the Red Lion, which would gain approval under the Corbyn plan. “It makes no difference really,” he said “Nobody will be getting any free beer because we’ll never be in power with that **** in charge.”
