The Rotherham Bugle

Researchers  at the University Of East Mexborough have made a major breakthrough in identifying a previously undiscovered x-factor in the science of physical attraction. And it’s all to do with the  humble internal combustion engine.

Professor Hans Alova  who headed up the year long study in Rotherham town centre concluded that young women are attracted to the sound of a heavily revved small car engine on a visceral level they don’t have the evolutionary sophistication to rationalise  or resist. And if it’s had  a fettle at Halfords, so much the better.

 “It acts like a lions roar or an Elephants trumpet in the jungle” explained Professor Alova who recently moved to the University of East Mexborough from the University of North Pontefract. “A young man gets his clog down in a tatty hatchback and the young helpless female is lured. She is unable to distinguish on a cellular level between the power, vitality, and potency of the engine and that of the driver. And so she is compelled to mate with him, even if he’s a pasty faced scrawny individual in a baseball cap who can barely see over the steering wheel, which he usually is. Often this mating can take place in the very car that precipitated it within minutes.”

Britney Crapper 19, from Thrybergh, confirms that the pull of the 1.1 hatchback is often too strong to resist “You can be thinking like, ‘what a pizza faced loser’ and then he gives it the full beans through an aftermarket tail pipe, and next thing you know, you’re staring up at his alcantara head lining wondering what the ****happened .”

The professor has some advice for young men looking for a mate “Forget getting buff in  the gym, forget charm, and forget personal hygiene. Just get yourself an old Fiesta, Saxo or Nova, and then rev the nuts off it in Morrisons car park. You’ll be beating em off with a shitty stick.”