Rotherham Bugle Forced To Suspend Publication Following Editor’s Arrest
2017-02-01
Today, we regrettably have to bring you a story which is close to home. The Rotherham Bugle has been forced to suspend publication following the shock arrest of our chief reporter and editor. The details are both unusual and unfortunate. Some readers may find them upsetting.
It would appear that our editor and chief reporter was driving home from work on Thursday afternoon last week, when he noticed a distressed sheep in a farmer’s field. It was fortuitous that he saw it, since the field is some distance from the main road, shielded by bushes, and it was dark. But as one of the countries few dedicated sheep spotters, he is always alert to such emergency situations, which are apparently more commonplace than you might imagine.
Seeing that the poor animal had its head trapped in a steel gate, with no means of escape, he dashed to the boot of his car and grabbed a large tub of wheel bearing grease, that he always has to hand for situations such as this. Without any thought for his own safety, he ran over to the sheep, applied the grease to the best of his ability and then went around the back of the stricken animal to attempt to release it from its painful and precarious predicament.
Now our editor has never been the slimmest of men, and like many of us, he has piled on a few extra pounds over Christmas. So the effort of heaving back and forth on the sheep put an intolerable strain on his trouser button which popped violently, causing his Farrah slacks to fall around his ankles. It was at this point that the 5.32 pm commuter train from Sheffield passed by on an adjacent rail track.
Our editor thought nothing of it until 10 minutes later when, with him now red in the face and sweating profusely from the effort, he caught sight of two burly police officers with flashlights, running across the field, shouting and waving their arms. For a moment, he thought they must have come to help, but no such luck. He was promptly hand-cuffed and arrested, and has been bailed to appear at Sheffield Crown court in three weeks time. It appears that several passengers on the train had dialled 999, having plainly got the wrong end of the stick.
Nobody at The Rotherham Bugle office has heard of the offence of ‘interfering with livestock’ before, but it apparently boils down to bumming a sheep. Our editor is appalled by the allegation and will, of course, be pleading not guilty, but he is off work suffering from stress at the moment and his wife has gone back to her mothers in Wales from where they both originate. If you hear nothing from us for some time, you’ll know the case has gone less well than is currently hoped.
Fortunately, before his arrest, he put the finishing touches to a new ‘Best Of The Rotherham Bugle’ book called The Big Buttock Tattoo, which will be published in a couple of weeks time, with all proceeds going to charity. We’ll be sure to let our loyal readers know how to get a copy when it’s ready.
Thank you for bearing with us at this difficult time, and please accept our apologies for the interruption in service.
