The Rotherham Bugle

A Wickersley man has discovered a miracle cure for baldness which he hopes will help the millions of men throughout the world, mentally scarred by this debilitating condition.

Damian Badgerhill, 45, says, that he became self-conscious about his thinning thatch after a couple of former girlfriends pointed it out at intimate moments. “I considered all sorts of things to fix it, including a transplant, a syrup and even taking to wearing a baseball cap or racing helmet all the time like Lewis Hamilton,” he told us “but then I hit on something far better and I’ve never looked back.”  Damian says he simply went out and bought a Lamborghini and his bald patch disappeared overnight.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before,” he said as the reflection from his shiny pate momentarily blinded our reporter, “Nothing seems to have changed physically, but the Lamborghini seems to have mentally erased my trichological torment from the consciousness of every woman I meet. I don’t know how it works, but it’s like magic. I think this could help a lot of people.”

Damián’s current girlfriend, swimwear model Trixie Turner, 22,  agrees. “When I first met Damian, he’d just bought the Lamborghini and I didn’t even realise he had a bald patch.”, she told us as a beauty therapist put the finishing touches to an orange  Brazilian. “It’s incredible.  Friends have told me independently that he’s also old and fat and  hung like a baby tortoise, but I just can’t see it”