Rotherham Man Wakes Up On New Years Day To Find His Life Is Still Shit
2018-01-02
A Rotherham man woke up this morning to find that his life is still shit. For weeks now, Lee Bull, 28, from Rawmarsh has been convinced that 2019 would mark a turning point in his fortunes. It was still looking good on New Year’s Eve when a belly full of John Smiths had only strengthened his sense of optimism for the year ahead.
However, when he woke up today feeling slightly nauseous and with his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, he realised that he was still skint, three stones overweight and less than 24 hours from starting his next shift at a call centre in Wath dealing with incontinence product complaints.
“I’m disappointed” he told our reporter “I was expecting big things this year. it’s almost as though I’ve gone to bed and just woken up the next day, rather than in a completely different year. Something ought to be done about it.”
Professor Max Spiel from The Rotherham Institute Of Time Studies, helped shed some light on what might have happened to Lee. “The Gregorian calendar is an artificial construct, created by man to give order to the passage of time, but has no bearing on the life outcomes of a gormless bloke from Rawmarsh “ he told us, “The thing is, Lee is thick. His life will continue to be shit for as long as he has a hole in his arse. The passage of time won’t change that.”
Undeterred, Lee says he is looking forward to making a fresh start in 2020.
