The Rotherham Bugle

Drivers are being warned to expect severe delays at petrol stations throughout the country today, as millions of men who have forgotten what day it is, desperately scrap over anything that still has a few petals left.

The owner of a Shell station near Rotherham told The Bugle “It’s the same every year, and it’s quite pathetic to witness really.  There’s only shit left now, and you can see the panic on their chubby little faces when they stumble in here. ‘What’s worse….going home with a few scraggy half dead stems, or going home with nothing?’ It’s the indecision that causes the queues, but they all buy in the end. I swear if we wrapped a clump of  muddy weeds in some fancy paper, we’d get a tenner for it by six o clock tonight.”

We caught up with one harassed husband, Terry Fyed from Greasbrough as he left the station clutching a bunch of carnations that looked like they’d taken second prize in a fight with a Yorkshire Terrier, “What can you do?” he said “I can’t go home with nowt. I’d have bought chocolates, but she  clapped some right timber on over Christmas and I’m trying to get her looking presentable for Magaluf”

In unrelated news, as the Bugle went to press, there were unconfirmed reports of a man from Greasbrough being admitted to Rotherham District General with what were described as ‘wife threatening injuries’