The Rotherham Bugle

Theresa May has committed to taking “extensive measures” against Russia should it not offer a credible explanation of how an ex-spy and his daughter were poisoned on British soil with a military-grade, Russian produced, nerve agent. But as we went to press, the exact nature of those measures had yet to be revealed.

The Bugle understand that a number of retaliatory actions are under consideration including the expulsion of diplomats, the seizure of UK based Russian assets and the deployment of  arch grolly-meister, Jamie Carragher, to Moscow.  An insider told us that with the World Cup just a few months away, this is seen as an ideal opportunity to sneak the Sultan of Sputum as he’s known in scumbag circles, into the country.

“Nerve agents are one thing,” said the insider “But scouse spittle takes the battle to a whole new level. The discussion at the moment is whether we’re prepared to escalate things that far.”