Facebook Apologises For Being Facebook
2018-03-22
It’s been a long time coming, but Facebook has finally apologised for being Facebook. The social network, set up in 2004 has long been considered by the hard of thinking to be a cost-free means of keeping in contact with friends and relatives, but in an impassioned address last night, founder Mark Zuckerberg apologised for the misuse of data harvested by research company Cambridge Analytica. Zuckerberg’s words were unfortunately sanitised as they emerged from the Facebook filter, so that they came out in the form of a genuine apology. Fortuitously, we have been able to gain access to his unedited thoughts…
“I would like to apologise unreservedly for being Facebook.” he thought. “I know the more gullible of you thought it was a harmless free means of keeping in touch with friends and relatives and informing the world of what shit is going on in your banal little lives. But it’s not. The goal all along was to sell your data to the highest bidder – to delve into the recesses of your mind, and dig out every bit of information that would be useful…and more importantly saleable…to individuals and organisations who want to bend you to their will, whatever that is. Your next fridge freezer, your next car or your next President? It’s all in a day’s work to us. It’s the same thing.
Free? Don’t make me laugh. You all paid with your very being, and now it’s come home to roost. We’ve got you hooked, you can’t escape, and you don’t really want to. You’re ours now. #DeleteFacebook? Don’t make me laugh even louder. A few might, the masses won’t.
So I’d like to apologise for being Facebook – for who we are. We won’t stop, but we will be a bit more crafty about it. That’s a promise. Thank you.”
