Athletes From 52 Countries Weep In Unison As Reality Of Birmingham 2022 Sinks In
2018-04-15
As the Commonwealth Games on Australia’s Gold Coast drew to a close today, athletes from 52 nations let out a collective howl of anguish as they realised all they now have to look forward to is a trip to bastard Birmingham. The West Midlands homage to concrete will host the 2022 games in 4 years time, and it would be fair to say that not everyone is looking forward to it.
“If you think I’m sweating my knackers off for 4 years to go to Birmingham, you’re one off” said one female Indian weightlifter who asked not to be named. “I was brought up in Mumbai but there are limits. I’m packing it in and getting a job in a call centre. It will be less depressing.”
“This is an example of the universe balancing itself.” said a philosophical track athlete from Canada “This year the Gold Coast, next time Birmingham. Perfect Yin and Yang, light and shade, sunshine and shite. I’d rather not bother.”
An informal survey by The Bugle suggests that hosting the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham may be the biggest turn-off for participation in sport since pictures were published of Boris Johnson going out for a jog in some suspiciously stained Rugby shorts.
“This isn’t the reaction we were hoping for at all,” said a spokesperson for Sport England. “We’re going to be working hard over the next 4 years to promote some of the attractions of the city, like the M5, the M6 and the airport…and the canal if it all gets too much.”
