Wetherspoons To Introduce Spittoons As Wind-Back To 19th Century Continues
2018-04-16
Wetherspoons announced today that they are about to introduce spittoons to all their pubs, as the drive to return the chain to the 19th century gathered pace. The announcement comes hot on the heels of the companies much publicised decision to withdraw from Twitter and Facebook. All future communications between branch management and customers are now expected to follow the more traditional pattern of an exchange of foul-mouthed abuse followed by an unseemly scuffle round the back of the bins.
Brexit supporting company head Tim Martin explained the direction Wetherspoons are moving in when we caught up with him as he whittled some wood. “Everything was better in the past when Great Britain had it’s empire, summers were warm, and men were able to spit well chewed tobacco into strategically positioned receptacles” he said. “We’re just taking people back to a better time.”
The Bugle understands that the chain are about to launch a new advertising campaign in which Jacob Rees Mogg plays the part of a modern day robber baron who addresses his workforce from an elevated soapbox before releasing them to a local hostelry with their wages where they drink warm beer, engage in raucous banter and feast heartily on a shit microwaved chicken korma.
A regular Wetherspoons customer who asked not to be named told us. “I’m going to miss not being able to slag them off on Facebook, but if it means I can hoick a gob full of Oliver Twist into a bucket without getting off my arse, it’s a small price to pay.”
