The Rotherham Bugle

Amber Rudd was understood to be making a surprise return to government this morning as Shadow Diane Abbott. Insiders say Prime Minister Theresa May realised she’d made a mistake after Abbott’s calamatous Good Morning Britain interview on Monday, and that there is an urgent need to shadow the Labour front bencher.

The Bugle understands that party strategists are concerned about the Jedward Phenomenon – the propensity of a significant proportion of the British public to continue to vote for complete no hopers,  specifically because all the evidence suggests they are completely and utterly useless.

“It’s a worry,” confided a Downing Street insider, “Although we’ve obviously still got our fair share of total Dilberts, Abbotts Fuckwittery is on a whole different level. We’re confident bringing Amber Rudd back will counter any Jedward effect. They will cancel each other out.  She can be Chico to Abbott’s Wagner.”