Shop Assistants Hit By PTSD Following Sustained Mariah Carey Onslaught
2018-12-13
Shop assistants up and down the country are reporting symptoms commensurate with post traumatic stress disorder following an aural assault that has seen some of them exposed to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You, over 500 times in the lead up to the festive period.
The condition is more normally associated with the battlefield, but with many stores starting their Christmas sales drive just after Easter, shop workers are being pushed to the limit with the same five bastard songs reigning down on them without respite or mercy.
“We could just about cope with All I Want For Christmas Is You,” said one one shop assistant who asked not to be named for fear of reprises, “but then you get Do They Know It’s Christmas, White Christmas, Last Christmas…Here It Is Merry F*****g Christmas. One after the other. Bang! Bang Bang! How would you like it…HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT….ANSWER ME…ANSWER ME!!!”
A spokesperson for the UK Retailer Consortium denied any wrongdoing. “It’s important that we remind people who have neither calendars nor any sense of the passage of time, that Christmas is approaching.” he said “And the best way to do that is to make their ears bleed with sleighbells. There are always casualties in any battle and our staff are on the front line. But they knew what they were getting into when they got their name badge.”
