The UK is officially warmer than somewhere where it’s colder today, a third-rate journalist from the Daily Express with nothing better to do has confirmed. The journalist, who can’t be named for spurious reasons, was on a break between writing stories about immigrants and benefits cheats when his rudimentary sensory system detected that the temperature

Shamima Begum,  the teenager at the centre of a row over whether she should be allowed back into the UK,  has settled the argument once and for all by electing to stay in a Syrian refugee camp after being offered a council house in Barnsley. Begun’s case has attracted huge controversy after she fled the

The Bugle understands that Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, has taken the first steps in a move to withdraw Wayne Rooney’s UK citizenship. The former England footballer left the UK in 2018 to pursue a career in the American soccer league. It’s understood his subsequent behaviour, including being arrested for drunkenness and pissing off the sainted

Golden era film star John Wayne has responded to criticism this evening, following the rediscovery of a 1971 interview from Playboy magazine in which he is said to have expressed racist and homophobic views. Speaking from his grave, where he’s been holed-up for the past 39 years after dying, the star was at pains to

A complete attention seeking nob sack, who became Vegan to make himself seem more interesting, has now abandoned the diet and gone full aquatarian. Richard Head, 27, says that he now survives exclusively on a diet of filtered mountain spring water and fresh air. “I’m a bit of a boring twat” he admitted to The

Meghan Markel’s  bump has taken the unusual step of appointing its own agent today. The bump has become increasingly frustrated in recent weeks over the amount of press and other media coverage it’s getting, without receiving full credit or recompense. A spokesperson for the bump said  “The bump has become unhappy that the level of

New research from the Institute Of Women’s Stuff in Barnsley is set to turn what was previously thought to be common knowledge, on its head. Contrary to what was previously thought, women do not look forward to spending the entire interval at the theatre or other event, standing in a queue of strangers discussing their

There was a further departure from polite diplomatic language last night after President Of The European Council, Donald Tusk, finally ran out of patience and told Theresa May to “change the fucking record.” The outburst comes a few days after Mr Tusk suggested there was a special place in hell for people who wanted Brexit

A man who claims to prefer the warmth and tonal quality of music played on vinyl, over more modern mediums, is just being a dick about it his friends and colleagues have decided. IT Consultant Richard Head 38 says you can’t beat the character-rich sound created when needle and vinyl come together, but those who

Theresa May returned from Brussels claiming victory this afternoon after the EU agreed to replace the Irish backstop  with the backstop of Ireland. A spokesman for Number 10 told The Bugle, “They said they weren’t prepared to negotiate on the Irish backstop but we knew they’d have to cave in eventually. We see this as