Trump Announces State Of Emergency As Thoughts And Prayers Stocks Run Dangerously Low
2019-08-04
President Trump announced a state of national emergency this afternoon as his stock of thoughts and prayers ran dangerously low. When Trump arrived in office, the stock of thoughts and prayers was at a healthy level, but the increasing propensity of a small number of US citizens to take readily available deadly automatic weapons, and commit mass murder, has put severe strain on the amount of thoughts and prayers available to the President.
“We just don’t know what to do about it. ” a White House insider admitted to The Bugle. “I mean it’s not as if you can interfere with the inalienable right of crackpots, lunatics and total dickheads to freely own guns and ammunition that have the potential to kill dozens of people in seconds. Nothing is more important than that. We’re working around the clock now to see whether we can get a fresh batch of thoughts and prayers in from China or some other place. It’s a tense time.”
As The Bugle went to press, a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association was talking complete and utter shit as usual.
