Barnsley Safe From Coronavirus As Nobody Ever Visits Or Leaves
2020-01-23
Barnsley was declared totally safe from the new Coronavirus this afternoon after it emerged that nobody either visits or leaves the town. As concerns about the virus grew, local residents were told they could rest easy.
“The chances of anyone catching the virus in Barnsley are practically zero.” said a spokesperson for Health England “Nobody goes in, I mean why would you? And there’s no record of anyone ever leaving either, apart from a couple of homosexuals who spent a weekend in Leeds once. But we’re advising people in the town to wear masks anyway. We’re going to say it’s belt and braces protection against the virus, but the truth is the more of them ugly buggers we can get to cover up the better.”
As The Bugle went to press, local officials in the town were taking no chances, and were ordering in extra supplies of sausage rolls and other pastry based products to beat any possible emergency rationing.
