Mark Francois to celebrate EU exit by masturbating into Union Jack sock to strains of Rule Britannia
2020-01-30
Mark Francois, is set to celebrate the UK’s exit from the EU in style tomorrow night. The portly MP for Rayleigh and Wickford will mark the occassion by wanking into a freshly laundered Union Jack sock in front of a signed photo of Winston Churchill with Rule Britannia blooming out in the background. Francois was understood to be disappointed that there will be no ‘Big Ben Bong’ on the big night, but won’t let that stop him celebrating the event in his own special way.
“Mark always likes to punctuate British triumph with a spot of frenzied onanism…a Ben Stokes century, a Harry Kane hat-trick, a mid table finish at Eurovision…but this is the big one.” a close confidente told The Bugle. “He’s hoping to time it right so he just hits the vinegar strokes as the clock ticks around to 11.00pm on the 31st. He’s been ironing the creases out of the sock all day and even has a spare on hand in case of any last minute snags. He’s excited and I’m fearful he may go off prematurely.”
Francois had hoped to have fellow Brexiteer Jacob Rees Mogg join him in his celebration but the Bugle understands that Rees Mogg has his own plans for the evening which involve gathering his children around a log fire to recount tales of war, empire and the time nanny gave his creamy bare buttocks a damn good spanking after she heard him say bugger.
