Fears for disruption caused by Storm Jorge were subsiding this morning after it was revealed that the weather system is expected to take a long siesta during which it will do f*** all. It’s predicted that the storm, which originated on the Iberian peninsula, will knock off at about 1.00pm before consuming a large meal

A Rotherham woman who is going out for the day has already scheduled in a number of pre-approved piss stops, it can be revealed. Lynn Gush, 47, says that a key part of her going-out-for-the-day strategy involves identifying a range of toilets worthy of receiving her hovering buttocks. “You can’t go out without a plan.”

The panic over the Coronavirus stepped up a gear this morning with the news that Primark has warned they might run out of cheap tat. The popular retailer gets much of its stock from China and warns that restrictions placed on factories in the far east are bound to take their toll in the coming

A man with six children, all under the age of eight, has decided to self-isolate, it has emerged. Colin Furtile, 42, has taken the difficult decision in the wake of the number of cases of Coronavirus in the UK skyrocketing into double figures, and an Italian fella in Tenerife getting it. “You can’t be too

Barnsley was being urged to self-isolate this morning as pockets of Dingle were reported to have broken out in some neighbouring towns and villages. The condition, which has so far been confined to the south Yorkshire town is now understood to have spread, with authorities concerned about the source of the outbreak. Symptoms include replacing

A man who was celebrating the return of the traditional blue British passport  this weekend, is now furious at the news that Tesco  have launched a range of brown plasters. The retailer has developed the new plasters in response to a demand from customers of differing ethnic backgrounds, for a product which blends in better

The southbound M1 slip road at Dodworth is the second most popular tourist attraction in Barnsley according to Tripadvisor. Site users praised the attraction for the quality of the tarmac and the way in which  it appears to warp time. “What a great feature.” wrote one Tripadvisor contributor “One minute you’re in some sort of

A London man has expressed his ‘sheer delight’ at the news that he will be able to apply for a blue British passport again from March, following the UK’s exit from the EU. The passports were fazed out in 1998 in order to harmonise with those in other EU countries. Tony Rufs-Leepa, 36, of no

American President Donald Trump last night  launched a scathing attack on the film Parasite , which swept the board at this months Oscars. The south Korean black comedy is being shown with subtitles throughout the United States. “It’s not even in Englandish,” complained Mr Trump. “and there is American films which deserve this far more

Barnsley College have announced a whole range of new courses to start September 2020 including a BTEC in Dogging Site Management. The move is said to be part of a shift in the college’s curriculum to more accurately reflect the needs and interests of local people. “I think a lot of people were surprised when