As the UK enters it’s second week of social isolation, Brit’s were urged today to draw on the experience and stoicism of Terry Waite, who was captured by terrorists in Beirut in 1987 and spent 1,763 days in captivity, the first four years of which were endured in solitary confinement. But his example did little

A plan to use the Wembley Ikea branch as a test centre to screen NHS staff for the Covid-19 virus were scrapped this morning after a preliminary ‘dry run’ of the facility revealed that users would take longer to find their way out than the quarantine period. It had been hoped that the test facility

A Rotherham man who completely forgot that British Summer Time started this morning, is now an hour behind in doing absolutely f*** all, it has emerged. Martin Clunge, from Rawmarsh, woke at what he thought was 8.00am this morning having yesterday drafted out a detailed plan to do f*** all again today. He pottered about

The government has launched an urgent appeal for more divorce lawyers as the consequences of forcing married people to spend time together became apparent over the weekend. Couples who would have previously swerved each other by visiting shopping centres and sporting events, were forced into close proximity and the current projections by government statisticians suggest

A man who, until yesterday, was sitting on a stockpile of 150 toilet rolls was reported to be ‘pissing out of his arse’ this morning as instant karma paid a visit to his lower intestine. Steve Squitz, from Barnsley, had bragged to friends and family that he had amassed enough toilet paper to soundproof a

The nation’s dogs have issued an urgent plea to be left the f**** alone just a few short days into the virtual UK lockdown. Animals that are normally fortunate if they’re allowed outside long enough to finish their shit are now finding themselves forced out for multiple long distance walks. “I’m just not used to

Beleaguered bookmakers, who have seen their income slump as most major sports events have been cancelled, are now offering odds on supermarket fights it has emerged. The Bugle understands that William Hill is just one of a number of bookmakers that have urgently recruited check out staff in all major UK supermarkets, who are primed

Hairdressers throughout the land have been rendered mute as there’s no longer any point asking clients about their holiday plans, it has been revealed. Page one of The Shit Hairdressers Manual spells out very clearly that the opening gambit of any conversation with a client should always be “So…where are you going on your holidays?”

In a scene played out throughout the country, a Rotherham man woke from a nightmare last night, and instantly wished he was still having it. Keith Clunge was having one of those dreams where a sinister shadowy figure is intent on doing you harm, and woke with a start as he battled to escape. A

Social climbers, desperate to make a good impression,  have taken to inviting neighbours’ round  for a shit, it has been revealed. In the past, those wishing to make a favourable impression on friends and neighbours would organise a dinner party or wine and cheese evening, but all that has given way to the once humble