The depth of the crisis created by panic buying of toilet roll was laid bare for all to see last night, as the government announced emergency plans for the recommissioning of Izal. The news is certain to cause consternation and disturbing flashbacks amongst a demographic who became accustomed to smearing excreta across their nether regions

Sheffield Wednesday manager Gary Monk was in an ebullient mood this morning following the news that league football is to be suspended until April 4th at the earliest. “This is just the boost we needed,” a clearly relieved Monk told The Bugle “It means our goal difference can’t get any worse during the rest of

The Covid-19 virus has given twats up and down the country, the perfect excuse not to visit grandparents and other ageing relatives it emerges. Twats who would otherwise have felt duty bound to call on parents, grandparents and other older members of the family, have been given a killer get-out and are milking it for

A tight bastard who went out and panic bought 150 toilet rolls is now out panic buying laxatives, it has emerged. Kenny Clunge, 58, bought the toilet rolls last week when he saw others buying them and thought he might miss out, but now he is sitting looking at a huge pile of ‘Netto budget

A Barnsley man is keen to discover whether the clap counts as an underlying health condition. His concern comes in the wake of regular news updates confirming that almost all of those succumbing to the Covid-19 outbreak have an underlying health condition. “They should be more specific,” said Keith Clunge “as he waited nervously after

A vicious turf war has resulted in Covid-19 being driven out of Glasgow by ruthless well-established local virus gangs. The Coronavirus strain had been hoping to get a foothold in Scotland’s second city, but established gangs of local virus’s, many of which have been around since Victorian times, had other ideas. “If there’s anyone going

A teenager’s bedroom remains in lockdown this afternoon as the occupant continues to self-isolate. Tyrone Clunge, 16, hasn’t been seen by the rest of his family since May last year when he was forced out in search of food after his mum forgot to bring his dinner up. His door was firmly shut with only

Ed Sheeran has been made the subject of an unexplained wealth order this morning after government officials listened to his latest album. An unexplained wealth order is a court order issued by a British court which requires the subject to reveal the sources of their unexplained wealth. Anyone who fails to account is liable to

After years of being ridiculed for their job, bog roll salesmen have emerged as ‘the new rock stars’ in a new survey of occupations. Where previous generations yearned to front a headline band or play centre forward for Manchester United, today’s youngsters look with envious eyes at the commission-based rep with the Andrex account at

A Barnsley man has announced that he now self-identifies as female after figures were released suggesting that women are 50% more likely to survive the Covid-19 strain of Coronavirus than men. Sid Postlethwaite, 68,  a keen pigeon fancier and whippet breeder from Wombwell says that he now wishes to be known as Mavis and has