Home secretary, Pritti Patel, has reacted to bullying claims by Sir Philip Rutnam by administering a Chinese burn to the left arm of the top civil servant before giving him a dead leg as he left a ‘clear the air’ meeting this morning.  Sir Philip, the Home Office’s permanent secretary, resigned on Saturday after accusing

There was widepread panic in Barnsley this morning as it emerged that a local man has tested negative for the Coronavirus. The man, who can’t be named for spurious reasons,  had taken the test after feeling a ‘bit gippy’ after ordering some crispy duck over the phone from a local Chinese takeaway. Wombwell woman Sharon

Boris Johnson is this morning facing the challenge of balancing the demands of being a new father with his natural inclination to do f*** all after it was announced that his girlfriend is pregnant. The Prime Minister, who hasn’t been seen in public for several weeks, is said to be delighted with the news, but

A Rotherham man who had been thought to be self-isolating as a result of exposure to the Coronavirus, is just being an unsociable bastard it has emerged. Ted Rogers from Bramley hasn’t been seen for two weeks after he reported ‘feeling a bit iffy after talking to an Italian looking fella’ in the local butchers.