Government cautiously optimistic we may be past peak of crap Victoria sponge
2020-05-02
Government officials were cautiously optimistic that the worst may be over last night after, after it emerged that we look to be the past the peak of shit home baking.
An insider told The Bugle “Flour sales spiked on the 28th March meaning peak baking was probably around 4th April. With people being sat around bored out of their tree we’re projecting an average eating time of no more than 7 days, no matter how tragic the cake. We’ve almost certainly now seen a flattening of the curve – not as flat as the f***ing cakes though – and a declining trend as flour supplies became restricted in early April. However, this is no time for complacency.”
The Bugle understands that if supplies open up again, the fear is that there could be a second, more damaging wave, or worse still, that the outbreak could mutate into Date and Walnut cake or even fudge.
“We’re hoping people have learned their lesson and just go and buy some decent stuff from M&S instead of pretending they’re Mary f***ing Berry,” our insider told us, “but we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s a worrying time.”
