The Rotherham Bugle

Doctors in Davos, Switzerland are holding an emergency meeting this afternoon to figure out how to remove  Piers Morgan from the arsehole of American president Donald Trump. It follows an exclusive interview for Good Morning Britain between the pair, in which Morgan was so keen to appease the orange genius that within two minutes, only his shoe laces were visible.

Regular viewers of Good Morning Britain will know that Morgan has just two interview modes – bullying and self-opinionated hectoring twat, when dealing with an ordinary member of the public unaccustomed to the limelight, and sycophantic and oily embarrassment when dealing with  ‘showbiz friends.’ The fact that one of these friends became president of the United States only intensified the latter approach and resulted in him giving Trump an easier ride than a premiership footballer in a Chingford nightclub.

The Bugle understands that strict US immigration laws dictate that Trump will not be allowed to return to the United States with Morgan still inside him and that the extraction is likely to be done later today under local anaesthetic. Insiders are still  hopeful that the operation might not be necessary, though. A spokesperson told the Bugle “Given Mr Trump’s regular diet, Morgan would not be the largest thing  he’s passed by natural means.”