Ironing, Hoovering And Enthusiastic Felatio Still Best Way To Lose Weight Says Expert
2018-03-09
Sports Scientists have made a breakthrough discovery that is set to revolutionise the way local women control their weight. The research, at the university of Central Rawmarsh, has revealed that walking at a snail’s pace while pumping your arms like a malfunctioning clockwork robot and talking shite to your mate Sharon, is not an effective method of losing weight. Even more disappointingly, the researchers discovered that wearing skin tight leggings, tying a hoodie round your waist for the activity, and then stuffing your face with a slice of cake afterwards as a ‘reward’, does nothing to make it work any better. This news will come as a major blow to the many local women, who can be seen employing the technique on a daily basis throughout the borough.
Professor Marcus Johnson-Brown from Canklow who headed up the research team said “It appears that these women are making tits of themselves in public for no good purpose. Let’s be honest, most of them look like a pair of pit bulls fighting under a blanket from the back, so they’d be doing us all a favour by knocking it on the head”.
In a message to coincide with International Women’s Day, and referencing the svelte figures of women in the 1950’s, Professor Johnson-Brown recommends a strict regime of thorough vacuuming, vigorous ironing and enthusiastic felatio for women trying to get in shape for their man in 2018.
