People Who Buy Take Away Coffee Are Dicks, Study Confirms
2018-03-28
It’s been suspected for a long time, but a new study has now confirmed it – people who buy takeaway coffee are weapons-grade dicks.
A survey by the University of north east Rotherham interviewed over 100 people seen carrying takeaway coffee in a Styrofoam cup and asked them a series of probing questions designed to establish just how big a nobhead they really are. “It didn’t matter whether they were driving or on foot,” said Professor Luis Costa who headed up the study “ the result was the same. Their responses showed that they are complete and utter bellends to a man and woman.”
The reasons are unclear, and earmarked for a later study, but early indications suggest that the sort of fuckwittery that makes you spend three quid on some pissy brown liquid after standing in a queue with other shit-for-brains at a twatting petrol station for ten minutes, is an ideal prerequisite for an all-pervading dick-like approach to life in general.
“There’s still a lot more work to be done, “ said Professor Costa as he brewed up a pot of fresh coffee for about twenty pence “We don’t know why they do it, and at the moment we think they’re beyond help, and so we’re looking at innovative ways in which they might be further exploited for financial gain by the rest of the population.”
