The Rotherham Bugle

A government think tank  this week  proposed that all 25 year olds be given £10,000 at the expense of the taxpayer. The Resolution Foundation published a report claiming that the ‘generational contract’ between young and old has broken down, with the middle-aged and elderly growing wealthy at young people’s expense.

“It’s a disgrace,” said a spokesman for the foundation “Once these poor young people have furnished a flash pad, serviced their car loan,  and paid their Sky contract, iPhone contract, credit card interest for last years holiday’s to Vegas and south Africa, and forked out for a few meals out each month, a couple of city breaks each year and a daily hit of Costa Frothy Cappuccino, they’ve got nothing left. People over 50 had it easy when they were young because they didn’t expect much and so lived in shit houses, drove shit cars, bought shit second-hand furniture, and went on shit caravan holidays. They didn’t eat out, drunk Nescafe at home,  and, didn’t buy tons of  techno-tat hawked by American conglomerates or try to emulate lifestyles promoted by surgically enhanced  perma-tanned wankers on Instagram . That made it easy for them to save enough money to buy a house. The lucky, lucky bastards.”

One pensioner we spoke to wasn’t happy with the plan though, “I’m all in favour of passing money down the generations,” he said “I’d just like to pass it down within my own family rather than to some tossers I don’t know who will probably piss it up the wall or blow it on stuff I’d have loved to have when I was young, but couldn’t afford. If all us middle aged and elderly are so wealthy, we can just pass the money on direct. Simple.That way it’s a choice. No need for a tax penalising people who don’t even have any kids.”

We tried to speak to a young person to get their take on it, but none of the ones we approached were able to convey any kind of coherent message or opinion without access to a full range of iPhone emoji’s.