The Rotherham Bugle

The number of people intolerant to Christmas songs has reached worrying levels. That’s the conclusion of professor Nick Cash from the Department Of Applied Boloxoicoligy at south west Barnsley University. Citing just one example, Professor Cash says that the number in danger of slitting their wrists with their own car keys if they hear just one more rendition of Boney M’s Mary’s Boy Child while waiting for a Big Mac, is off the scale.

“It’s a worrying trend” said the professor, who blames over exposure to schmaltzy festive shite for the phenomenon “I’m calling on shops, radio stations and fast food outlets to take some responsibility and hold off on the Maria Carey, the Wham and the Johnny Bastard Mathis. The Pogues are just as dangerous as peanuts for some vulnerable individuals.” Retail staff, restaurant workers and saddo’s who like Christmas shopping are thought to be most at risk.

Independent research by the Bugle reveals that thousands of people are admitted to A&E every December after sticking pins in their eyes as a result of one too many renditions of When a Child Is Born, alone. We are launching a campaign to make it a legal requirement to issue clear written or verbal warnings before playing any song with sleigh bells, or anything that will add to the pension funds of Noddy Holder or Roy Wood from Wizzard.