The Rotherham Bugle

Sexual activity in the workplace, or while on business, is now to be subject to a prior health and safety risk assessment, it has emerged. It follows a French court ruling in which an employee who had a heart attack and died during an en extra marital bunk-up while away on business, was deemed to have been involved in an industrial accident. His family were paid compensation as a result.

“We’re taking this very seriously”, one UK employer told The Bugle “Every employee will be expected to make out a detailed risk assessment prior to any funny business – on or off work premises – and we’re drawing up comprehensive safety rules and COSHH guidelines. ”

Draft proposals seen by The Bugle call for hard hats, steel toe cap boots and safety goggles to be worn in all eventualities, with situation specific requirements for the use of block and tackle, safety harnesses and splash proof overalls. A torch or miners lamp will also be mandatory. The Bugle understands that Welsh and Barnsley employers are already looking at possible exemptions for encounters involving livestock and inanimate objects, respectively.

Meanwhile, back in France where the original ruling was made, there was one silver lining in the employers’ cloud. Now that sexual activity can be included in productivity, France’s GDP is likely to surpass that of Germany for the first time in living memory.