The Rotherham Bugle

Some local football fans were in shock this week after it emerged that having a lot of supporters doesn’t make you any better at football. A study by the University of South Mexborough has reached the shocking conclusion that it’s possible to have thousands of deluded optimists chucking money at you every week and still win absolutely sod all.

“Sheffield Wednesday are an excellent example of this phenomenon.” said Professor Ray King who headed up the study team “I know there are people who claim their grandad can remember hearing about them winning something in black and white, but there’s been diddly squat that anyone still in possession of their faculties can recall. And yet they still claim to be a massive club, just because a lot of people are daft enough to sit in a dilapidated stadium every week, watch them underperform – and pay through the nose to do it. It’s like claiming your local takeaway is fantastic because people keep going back even though there are rats in the kitchen and the food is shit.”

Professor Kings comments bring back memories of last year’s Championship playoff final at Wembley where Wednesday fans jumped up and down like bell ends, and  are still banging on about taking more fans than Hull, but the team never got a kick. “It’s a form of mass hypnotism .”said “Professor King “They’re the sort of people who would be strutting around on a working men’s club stage thinking they’re chickens given a bit of encouragement. It’s quite sad really.”

We tried to get a view from Carlo Calpol, the Owls manager, prior to the clash with local rivals Rotherham United on Saturday, but nobody had any idea what he was saying.