The Rotherham Bugle

A Rotherham man has been left in shock after discovering that most of his so-called ‘friends’ on Facebook wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

Damien Dodds from Whiston was under the impression that he was popular because he has over 170 friends on the iconic social network, but it was only when he examined the list that he realised that he had no idea who most of them were.

“It was a real gutter”, said Damian while thumbing through an old phone book to try to find people he actually knows “I felt like ‘the man’ with all these friends, but when it comes down to it, most of them wouldn’t know who I was if I walked up and slapped them in the face with a wet fish. And the last time I saw the ones I do know, I was five stones lighter with hair and teeth” said the 26 year old gaming enthusiast. “They’re not friends, they’re just other sad sacks on the internet.”

Professor Ronald Conman, senior lecturer in Applied Social Media at the University of North Mexborough, confirmed that Damien’s case is far from uncommon. “That Zuckerberg fella is no mug” he said “By calling members ‘friends’ he gave every Billy No Mates from here to Timbuku hope. He encouraged them to collect more ‘friends’ to assist in his stab at world domination. And he did it by exploiting their insecurity and innate desire to feel important, valued and popular. People used to give up on imaginary friends by the age of ten, Facebook allows them to take them into adulthood.”

Professor Connell is keen to point out that virtual friends on Facebook do have their advantages though “At least they don’t build up your trust for years and then betray it by running off with your wife, who then divorces you leaving you homeless, penniless and living out of the back of a knackered 1993 VW camper van parked overnight round the back of the kitchen bins on a university campus. Bastard!” he said.