Rotherham Man Says He would Rather Have His Bollocks Plucked Bare Than Get Christmas Decorations Out Of Loft
2017-12-09
A Wickersley man has grumpily listed a number of things he would rather do than get the sodding Christmas decorations out of the loft again this year including, undergoing a colonic irrigation with a Dyson, having all his testicle hair removed with a pair of blunt tweezers and embarking on a full-on threesome with Anne Widdecombe and her fatter, older and uglier friend.
“It’s not that I’m miserable,” Noel Joy 57 from Pear Avenue told our reporter while shredding some Christmas cards that had just come in the morning post, “but when you’re faced with hauling the same tasteless tat out of the loft for the thirtieth year in a row, to mark the festival of St John of Lewis, well it gets right on your tit ends.”
Noel says he is considering becoming a Jehovas Witness next year “That way all that shit can stay in the loft for good”, he told us.
We tried to speak to someone who is enthusiastic about Christmas for their view, but they were all out being iritatingly jovial before descending into a three month long depression on January 2nd, which will only end when the sun reappears and some soppy get buys them an Easter egg.
