Barnsley Trading Standards Department have issued a warning to the public following a raid on a number of stalls in the local market during which a quantity of ‘Coronavirus masks’ were recovered. Council officers say they are concerned that the masks may not be effective in preventing the spread of the disease. “We raided the

Home secretary, Pritti Patel, has reacted to bullying claims by Sir Philip Rutnam by administering a Chinese burn to the left arm of the top civil servant before giving him a dead leg as he left a ‘clear the air’ meeting this morning.  Sir Philip, the Home Office’s permanent secretary, resigned on Saturday after accusing

There was widepread panic in Barnsley this morning as it emerged that a local man has tested negative for the Coronavirus. The man, who can’t be named for spurious reasons,  had taken the test after feeling a ‘bit gippy’ after ordering some crispy duck over the phone from a local Chinese takeaway. Wombwell woman Sharon

Boris Johnson is this morning facing the challenge of balancing the demands of being a new father with his natural inclination to do f*** all after it was announced that his girlfriend is pregnant. The Prime Minister, who hasn’t been seen in public for several weeks, is said to be delighted with the news, but

A Rotherham man who had been thought to be self-isolating as a result of exposure to the Coronavirus, is just being an unsociable bastard it has emerged. Ted Rogers from Bramley hasn’t been seen for two weeks after he reported ‘feeling a bit iffy after talking to an Italian looking fella’ in the local butchers.

Fears for disruption caused by Storm Jorge were subsiding this morning after it was revealed that the weather system is expected to take a long siesta during which it will do f*** all. It’s predicted that the storm, which originated on the Iberian peninsula, will knock off at about 1.00pm before consuming a large meal

A Rotherham woman who is going out for the day has already scheduled in a number of pre-approved piss stops, it can be revealed. Lynn Gush, 47, says that a key part of her going-out-for-the-day strategy involves identifying a range of toilets worthy of receiving her hovering buttocks. “You can’t go out without a plan.”

The panic over the Coronavirus stepped up a gear this morning with the news that Primark has warned they might run out of cheap tat. The popular retailer gets much of its stock from China and warns that restrictions placed on factories in the far east are bound to take their toll in the coming

A man with six children, all under the age of eight, has decided to self-isolate, it has emerged. Colin Furtile, 42, has taken the difficult decision in the wake of the number of cases of Coronavirus in the UK skyrocketing into double figures, and an Italian fella in Tenerife getting it. “You can’t be too

Barnsley was being urged to self-isolate this morning as pockets of Dingle were reported to have broken out in some neighbouring towns and villages. The condition, which has so far been confined to the south Yorkshire town is now understood to have spread, with authorities concerned about the source of the outbreak. Symptoms include replacing